Whirr2009-04-02
Somtimes I feel that I am running out of resources.

Not so many people read this 'blog, but it's still important to me that it be more interesting than "Here's what my cat done on Thursday!". About the only thing less interesting than posts of that nature are cris de coeur about misfortune--whether they be legitimate complaints or just powerless whining. Although I do find my old "Someone stole my chair!" post to be inspirational, at times, I'm rather not clutter up this space with too much of that.

Nevertheless, it's my fucking 'blog. I'll try do be as dispassionate about things as possible, mostly to preserve a shred of self-respect, but I'm upset by a number of things in my life right now. That number appears to be five.

  1. On Sunday night I became as violently ill as I can ever remember being, and spent the night ensuring that my body had no food in it whatsoever. Throughout the day on Monday I literally felt too weak and dizzy to leave bed unless it was entirely necessary. On Tuesday I could sit at my desk for a while, but had to return to bed every three or four hours, and yesterday I spent a full day at work.
  2. The cold that I had before I died is still in effect, and I kept myself up half the night coughing my lungs our on Tuesday night. We had no cough medicine in the house, by by 4am I hit upon the solution of four orange slices, three parts hot water, and one part Jim Beam, which sort of worked.
  3. I really can't remember when I last went to the dentist, but I think that she gave me a sticker for being such a good boy. I suppose I had to have them pull my wisdom teeth in college? So it's been about a decade. I've been ignoring this fact, I think out of cowardice (both fear of pain and fear of financial loss) and out of habit--it's hard to get used to the idea that I have medical coverage. At any rate, it was easy enough to ignore when nothing was wrong with my teeth, and I was actually able to ignore it fairly well when I noticed that one of my front teeth was... sort of crumbling away. Eventually a third of it broke off, a bit at a time, over about a week.
    When this started I began trying to make a dental appointment in earnest, and there are endless petty HMO complications. Maybe I'll have an appointment this very afternoon, and all will be well! But I'm still really terrified that I'll either wind up with no money, no teeth, or both.
  4. I worry that I am wasting my life on video games and dancing lessons. This is the primary fear of my life. I tell myself that "everything will change" when I pay off my credit card debt ($6,700 and falling!) by which I mean that I'll tear up this life like old wallpaper and move on to my Glorious Purpose. Or, really, that I'll fold this life up like an old love letter, put it somewhere safe, and treasure it while I'm off in my new life, where I'm an Artist instead of a secretary.
    But I wonder what will really change if I move away and quit my job. I know I won't be making $17 an hour. I know I won't have health care. If it were so easy to be an Artist, then those are obviously minor sacrifices to make... but I might simply exchange my current life for one that was worse in every respect--still not making Art, but also without health care, a job, or any friends. <shudder>
  5. And, speaking of love letters, I wish that I had a Best Friend that I liked more than I liked anyone else, who felt the same way about me. I wish that this person was wise and witty and had a logical mind like a razor and a whimsical fancy like an innocent and thought that it was awesome and also that it made perfect sense to carve symbols into your shoes with a dremmel. I wish this person really enjoyed sex, and was mature and responsible enough to want to make a long-term relationship really work.
    When my inner monologue reaches this junction, I always feel compelled to add that I also wish the person was Queen of Europe and had a magic unicorn on which we could parade through town, but I'm not sure that's fair. I don't think I want something so impossible, for all that it's been so very hard to find.

I don't know, that's not such a bad list. I'll call the dentist, get my damn mouth fixed, and see what I can do to figure out Life After Chicago. Maybe while I'm paying off that credit card I'll meet the Queen and her Unicorn, too. Hey, at least I still have my chair! </mandatory upbeat ending>

Comments
Dante2009-04-02
The teeth thing? This was exactly how I felt late last summer, and to some extent now.
I was terrified of having no teeth and no money.
I got a root canal. It sucked, but now it's fine. I still need to get a couple of fillings, but it's pretty much okay.
So, yeah, I know exactly how you feel. It does pass.
Libby2009-04-08
It took me until the sex line to realize that you were talking about wanting a romantic/sexual relationship, and I was all ready to say "hey! you have a ton of interesting, intellectual, fantastic friends!!!"

but then I kept reading.

and now I have nothing useful to say, so I'll say this: I suppose Angela Merkel isn't really Queen of Europe, and she's married and unicornless anyway.
Libby2009-04-08
Also, I hope your teeth (and wallet) come out reasonably intact from your dentist visit...