Everything You Know About the Chastely
What I did on my summer vacation

The Wild Wedding Weekend (which was Wax0r with wife, Woodard).

by Benjamin Scott-Hopkins

Dramatis Personae:

  • Jessica "Bird" Woodard--a very good friend of mine, whom I have known for over two decades.
  • Wax0r "Mikel" Waxler--a very good friend of mine, whom I have known for almost a decade.
  • Benjamin Scott-Hopkins--Me. It was at my birthday party that I introduced Jessica and Waxor
  • Vast numbers of my very best friends.

Chapter 1, in which I go through security twice, and wait many hours in the airport.

Chapter 2, in which Fuzzy spends $100 on alcohol.

Chapter 3, in which Mike and Kathleen spend $300 on alcohol, at the Carowinds Discount Alcohol Mart

Chapter 4, in which it is revealed that the third-best rum in the world, 12-year-old Flor de Caña, is sold in Mike and Kathleen's home town for $10 a bottle

Chapter 5, in which we proceed to become intoxicated.

Chapter 6: "A Sharp Knife Meets a Dull Mind", in which Chomsky covers a cheese in blood*.

Chapter 7, in which I impress the doctor with my suavne calm as I receive six stiches.

Chapter 8, in which we all go home from the emergency room and play Guitar Hero (and some of us play left-handed, at that).

Chapter 9, in which I visit my father, who is doing very well indeed.

Chapter 10, in which we play Gin Rummy, and Tiff produces the Best Entrance Ever++.

Chapter 11, in which the multitudes well and truly arrive.

Chapter 12, in which many new friends are made and many good cocktails are drunk.

Chapter 13, in which the bride-to-be and groom-to-be host their shared bachelor / bachelorette party.

Chapter 14, in which many good friends are drunk, and many new cocktails are made.

Chapter 15, in which the Woodards / Murdocks and the Waxlers play Twister together, Fuzzy tries Tequila for the first time, and Breeden's two-foo-long cock is destroyed.

Chapter 16, in which we (somehow) manage to wake up in time for the wedding.

Chapter 17, in which my two wonderful friends, Jessica and Wax0r, exchanges their vows on a most beautiful day+++.

Chapter 18, in which cake is eaten and toasts are made.

Chapter 19, in which we have a long, intellectual talk with Breeden, and he seduces no one.

Chapter 20, in which tearful goodbyes are reluctantly said, and promises of get-togethers are exchanged.

Chapter 21, in which Spangler and I see a good deal of Raleigh, and a little bit of The Lion King++++.

Chapter 22, in which I explain to my mother and grandmother that I plan to change my name, and they are supportive (and yet uncomprehending).

Chapter 23, in which I fly home from my week of vacation, utterly exhausted and quite ready for a chance to relax.

Chapter 24, in which tech week starts, and I find myself working from 9am--2am every day.

*Not the real Chomsky. The old tradition states that whenever a blade tastes its first blood it gets its name. If the blade is designed for battle, the wielder will often have chosen an appropriate name well in advance, but if the blood is unexpected then the wielder must make do with whatever comes to mind, or risk having a nameless blade. I was planning only to open a packet of exquisite cheese, and so I used the first name I could think of. At home, I have a knife named "Thorazine" for similar reasons.

++My memory is a little hazy about these events, but I recall Jessica saying "Look, I know I've been drinking, but I still know my ace from my king, dammit!" at which exact instant Tiff walks into the room, saying "Then you clearly haven't been doing it right."

+++This was the second-best ceremony I've seen (it lacked only a brass klezmer band, trapeze-dance and burlesque act to compete with the best one) and it really deserves its own entry somewhere else. I'll get right on that.

++++My mother bought me a ticket to see this show, which I have always wanted to see (Julie Taymor is really a true hero to me). I got more than a little lost on the way, however. We got in well before the end of the first act, and I saw the wildebeast stampeede and the giraffes. This will also get its very own post... sometime.

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